Archive for ‘satire’

July 2, 2013

現役女子高生の彼氏にしたい男性の職業ランキング1位は「革命家」

7/3/2013 -Tokyo, Japan

今年も早くも半分が過ぎ、現役女子高生から「彼氏にしたい男性の職業ランキング」の統計を取る時期がやってきた。

火の鳥新聞が独自に調査を行ったところ、今年の彼氏にしたい男性の職業第一位に輝いたのはなんと「革命家」だった。そもそも「革命家」とは職業なのかよくわからないが、ライフスタイルや職種が半端ないくらい多様化してきている世の中のあり方を、現役女子高校生達は柔軟に受け入れているのかもしれない。

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それにしてもなぜ「革命家」なのか、いくつか女子高生達の意見を紹介しようと思う。

「ツイッターでエジプトやトルコやブラジルやアメリカのオキュパイ運動や日本の脱原発運動を追っているんですが、彼らの姿にいつも胸を打たれます。草の根の運動をしている一般の市民の人達が、一番まともなことを言っているって気づいたんです、彼らはとてもいい目をしていますし、勇気が素晴らしいです」と言ったのは東京都内の高校に通う畑中みかさん。

「革命家からは加齢臭がしないし、ヒッピーみたいに髭や髪が伸びててもかっこいい」と答えたのは西村あかねさん。「私利私欲の為じゃなくて、社会や世界の為に頭や心を使っている人達は見た目も若いしなんだか人間らしくて輝いています。自分の小さな世界のことしか考えてない人達は、会話もつまらないし、ちょっと危機的に感覚鈍いよな、って思っちゃいます」

「将来の安定や、貯金や家や老後のことしか考えていない人達が死ぬ程退屈」と少しきつめのコメントをしたのは辻あいこさん。「堅実」であることは重要ではないのか?という質問に対して彼女は、「遠い未来や長生きのことばかり考えている人達は今を雑に生きているように見えて魅力的じゃないし、長生きしたから何なの?と思う。人格形成もできてなくて、自分の頭でものも考えないくせにだらだら長生きしててなんなんだよ、と思う」とさらにコメントがきつくなった。おもしろいので、「長生き」は素晴らしいことではないですか?と聞いてみると、「時間はただの概念。みんな遅かれ早かれ死ぬんだから、強い信念や使命感を持って生きている人のがかっこいい」と言い切った。

「安倍さん、東北や関東がすっかり放射線物質に汚染されてるのに、原発推進したり輸出したり、TPP交渉進めたり、被爆者全く支援しないし、企業のことばっかで市民のこと考えてくれないし、失敗したけど女性手帳とか意味分からないもの作ろうとするし、かなり国民のこと舐めてますよね。私は将来子供生むかわかりません。自分も絶対に被曝しているので、子供や、子供の子供に影響が出ることはもちろんあり得ます。だから日本政府がそういう非人道的な姿勢を取り続けるなら、私は将来、子供を生まない女性を組織して日本政府に対してプロテストして、すごく慌てさせてやります」と女性革命家の卵のような女子高生もいた。

他にも、「革命家」を理想像とする女子高生達の意見には、保身的な人間にうんざり、資本主義のシステムがマジで怖い、いい加減何か変わって欲しい、あんなに悲惨な原発事故あったのに変わらないのは異常、などの意見があった。

現役女子高生がどんなものを映画で観たり、本で読んだり、ウェブで閲覧したりして影響されているのかは、火の鳥新聞はNSAではないのでわからない。ましてや現役女子高生がどんなことを思考しているのかはさっぱりわからない。とにかく革命家の方々おめでとう!

April 4, 2013

Graffiti Becomes A Popular Stress Relief Method Among Overworked Businessman In New Orleans

April 3rd, 2013- New Orleans

What kind of people do you imagine are doing graffiti? Street artists? Rebellious kids? In 2013, it’s been a trend for businessman to do graffiti as a form of stress relief in New Orleans. Mark, 42, has been working on his graffiti during his lunch break and after-work recreational hours. “I used to do nothing ‘crazy’ or socially unacceptable, but after seeing my ocean (Gulf of Mexico) murdered by BP in my hometown, I just thought, ‘fuck it.’ Why is it OK for BP to spill shit tons of oil in the gulf of Mexico, pay a small amount of fine which is insignificant as a parking ticket to a huge company like BP. On the other hand, I could get arrested if I walk around naked or pooped on the street. What kind of logic is that? I’m just really sick of this money driven world,” Mark says.

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Mark has been overworked for about 20 years to support his family and to be a respected and responsible adult, living up to his conservative parents’ high expectation. But after the oil spill, it came to him that he was basically being an brainless tool for global corporation whose goal is to maximize the profit in the expense of public health, environment, functioning eco-system and human rights and anything that can possibly be exploited in the world. He realizes that his wife and children hate him because he never has time to spend with them, and his parents are good people but buy into the corporate propagandas like naive babies. His kids are obese, his wife is miserable and the gulf is full of deformed sea creatures.

So he started doing graffiti. “I randomly watched a documentary about Banksy, I thought it was just OK at that time. But I don’t know why but the idea of doing graffiti came to my mind one night. The next Sunday, I woke up, went out to buy some spray cans, went into an abandoned house that destroyed by Katrina and started spray painting. My tag is a pooping man, it came quite naturally. And I see a tag of a man who is flipping middle finger around the town a lot. And I think it actually might be my overworked co-worker’s tag,” he says. Mark has seen his co-worker, with backpack full of something, walking into an abandoned warehouse during the lunch break a couple of times.

Sometimes doing graffiti can provide a feeling of liberation, freedom and youthfulness, and that feeling ends up enabling businessman to release their crazy stress, a psychologist Craig Manson says. It is only natural that this trend is happening among one of the most stressed out demographic. A characteristic about this demographic is that they are upper middle class so they have OK finance, but they are kind of people who slaved away their time. Often their physical and mental health and the quality of life is below the average. Their demanding work depletes their time, energy, and will power to enrich their internal wealth.

Now Mark is thinking about quitting his job, spending time with his family and becoming a provocative artist.

March 19, 2013

Baby Glendon Turns 30

March 19th, 2013 -San Diego, California

Glendon Romett, known as baby Glendon, turned 30 on March 15th this year. The anticipation for turning 30 was very high. In the days he was still in his late 20’s, he was showing uneasy and pensive feelings and told his girlfriend “I feel like 12” multiple times a week. And he kept changing the name of his music project from Balloons Guy to Balloons to BLLNZ to Recycled Dolphin. Recycled Dolphin is an current official name. “Most men feel like 12-year-old forever, so sometimes men have hard time coping with aging,” Dr. Jordan Peterpan Hammond says. On his birthday, Glendon seemed to be relieved and happy. He ordered a pizza and calzone from Pizzeria Luigi, and gave a fat tip to a delivery guy, and had a relaxing night with his close friends and girlfriend.

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General public doesn’t know, but Baby Glendon is a prolific musician. He has been involved in many music projects such as Primitive Noyes, Bruisecaster, Space Chainsaw, and Paper Forest. Recycled Dolphin is his solo project he started to reflect his own ideas more in the music. He started playing drums when he was 12 years old back in Philadelphia. Music is his passion. And he is still going strong even though condescending Bill O’Reilly-type ex co-workers and conservative relatives with shallow perspective they got from watching too much bullshit on TV or something don’t value music and culture when it does not make money.

However Baby Glendon succeeded in surrounding himself with creative and supportive friends in San Diego. He also started Eagles Nest Production, a video production company, and the company produced over 100 videos since it started in 2012. He is currently learning Flash, animation software, and looking to become a multimedia artist.

“Life with passion and OK money is so much better and healthier than life with too much money but no real passion. Sometimes rich people realize that they are rich but they are not going anywhere. A pursuit of material wealth empties people out, make them unable to think profoundly and critically in favor of becoming an ‘economic animal.’ But creative people tend to keep their eyes open and keep learning. They embrace life better and become wiser as they age,” Dr. Hammond says.

http://primitivenoyes.bandcamp.com/

http://balloonsguy.bandcamp.com/

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March 17, 2013

Mike Groves Falls Asleep In The Middle Of Conversation He Was Having With Brian Ellis マイク・グローブス、ブライアン・エリスとの会話の真っ最中に眠りに落ちる

March 17th, 2013 -San Diego, California

Mike Groves of The Sound Grove falls asleep in the middle of the conversation he was having with his best friend Brian Ellis. At the time he was holding a pink heart-shaped cushion.

ザ・サウンド・グローブのマイク・グローブスが親友ブライアン・エリスとの会話の真最中に眠りに落ちました。当時彼はピンクのハート型のクッションを抱いていました。

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Brian Ellis says he does not remember what they were talking about when it happened. “Then I started putting things around him,” Ellis says. The things he placed around Groves included a basketball, hat, high heels and a Nintendo 64 controller. An expert says it is universally really hard for people to not mess with their best friends when they are passed out so defenselessly on a couch. Things like writing something on someone’s face with a sharpie is a very typical act.

ブライアン・エリスは、それが起こった時に話していた話題が何だったかは覚えていない。「それからマイクの周りにいろんなものを置き始めたんだ」と彼は語る。グローブス氏の周りに置かれたものは、バスケットボール、帽子、ハイヒール、任天堂64のコントローラーなどを含む。親友がソファで無防備に眠り込んでいるところを目撃しながら何もいたずらをしないというのは、全人類に共通して難しいことである、と専門家は言う。マーカーで顔に落書きをするといったようなのは典型的なケースだ。

Groves has fallen asleep in Tokyo subway and lost track of time earlier this year as well. He also experienced sleep paralysis when he was a child. But sleep researchers say there is no clear relativity between sleep paralysis and falling asleep in the middle of action, such as talking with friends or playing the guitar.

今年の始めの頃、グローブス氏は東京の地下鉄でも眠りに落ち、時間の前後関係を見失っている。彼はまた子供の頃金縛りを経験したこともある。しかり眠りの研究者達は、会話やギターを弾いている真っ最中に眠りに落ちることと、金縛りとの間に明白な関係性があるかどうかは未だに確かめられずにいる。

Groves’ friend Shoko Hachiya says, “my little brother Shoto used to fall asleep while he was eating. My parents thought it was hilarious. They filmed it too. It was so cute.” Shoto Hachiya, now 23-year-old, says sometimes he still gets a little bit sleepy when he is eating.

グローブス氏の友人である蜂谷翔子は「私の弟は昔よく食べ物を食べながら眠り込んでいました。私の両親はそれをおもしろがってビデオに撮っていました。かわいかったですねあれは」と言う。現在23歳の蜂谷翔音は、未だに食べている時に眠くなることがある、と語る。

Groves and Ellis both live in Escondido California, and they are both musicians. Groves has a music project called The Sound Grove. Ellis has many music projects going on such as Astra, Brian Ellis Group and Birdzilla so he can constantly play music. Astra has a European tour coming up in April. Scientists haven’t been able to prove a correlation between being a musician and falling-asleep-in-the middle-of-something-syndrome either.

グローブス氏とエリス氏は二人ともカリフォルニアのエスコンディードに住んでいて、二人ともミュージシャンだという事実がある。グローブス氏はザ・サウンド・グローブという音楽プロジェクトを進行中。エリス氏もアストラ、ブライアン・エリス・グループ、バージラ、など、常に音楽をやれるように、たくさんのプロジェクトを進めている。アストラは4月にヨーロッパでのツアーを控えている。科学者達はミュージシャンであることと、何かをやっている真っ最中に眠りに落ちる症候群との間に相互関係があるかどうかも証明できずにいる。

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March 14, 2013

Japan’s Prime Minister Abe Tells Its Citizens To “Shut The Fuck Up And Forget About Fukushima” 浮かれ気分の安倍首相、英語で市民を罵倒

March 14th, 2013- Tokyo, Japan

On March 14th, Japanese Prime Minister Abe, famous for not taking care of citizens after the 3.11 triple disaster and continuing wasting tax money to resume promoting very unpopular nuclear industry, told no more nukes protesters gathered around the Prime Minister’s residence, “Shut the fuck up! Forget about Fukushima!” in English. Mr. Abe who has been in a buoyant mood since the Japan-U.S. summit, has also been making delusional comments such as “I had good chemistry with Mr. Obama,” even though the summit was only a formality. If TPP (Trans Pacific Partnership), one of the topics of the summit, becomes the reality, it will assure further corruption of democracy. Prime Minister Abe also commented with his creepy smile, “We have major corporations and the nuclear industry to take care of. Economy is the priority. Did you forget the Samurai spirit? Sometimes you have to die for the country!” as if it is still WWII.

地震・津波・福島原発事故のトリプルディザスター以降、国民の安全を二の次にし、国民に指示されていない原子力産業を国民の税金で再び立て直そうとするという愚行で有名になった日本政府の安倍首相は14日、首相官邸前に集まったプロテスター達に対して、英語で「シャット・ザ・ファック・アップ!フォーゲット・アバウト・フクシマ!」と叫び市民を罵倒した。安倍首相には先日のオバマ大統領との会談以来、会談は形式的なものに過ぎなかったにも関わらず、「オバマ氏とケミストリーが合った」などという浮かれた発言が目立つ。首脳会談でのトピックの一つであったTPP (Trans Pacific Partnership) が実現すれば、民主主義の堕落は更に決定的になる。さらに首相は気味の悪い笑顔を浮かべ、「日本は大企業と原子力産業をサポートし、経済を優先しなければいけない。侍魂を忘れたのか?日本国民は時には国の為に死を覚悟しなければいけない」とまるで戦時中のような発言をした。

February 24, 2013

Anxious UCSD Student Realizes It’s OK To Do Absolutely Nothing And Relax

February 23rd, 2013 -San Diego, California

Last night, anxious UCSD student Samuel Reed who majors in neuroscience realized it is OK to do absolutely nothing at all and just relax. He  just sat in his studio apartment and listened to his favorite records such as Modest Mouse, Neutral Milk Hotel, Get Off The Map and Bruisecaster without analyzing its lyrics, composition, melodic theory, production and the meaning of life. “What the fuck does ‘my heart is a pile of spinach, untouched and forgotten in the fridge’ mean?” Reed thought, but he just put down the thought and let it be. Then he realized that he has many great friends so he went out to a movie with them.

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Since he started to going to UCSD, known for its brutal quarter system, his stress level was peaked out of the barometer. Besides the demanding school work, he was also working, dealing with his crazy sexual desire that is typical for males in early 20’s, struggling as a musician, worrying about the future, partying and drinking heavily. He started to have anxiety but he couldn’t smoke weed to calm down because weed tended to only makes it worse for him. So he got prescribed to anti-anxiety pill, drank a bottle of whiskey, got 2 tattoos, adopted a kitty from a high-kill shelter, masturbated and wrote 10 songs in a week just to calm down. “Dude, I feel crazy,” he told his best friend.

But something simple happened to Reed and calmed him down. “I don’t know how it happened, but I feel OK now. I just sort of put down all the worries I always carried around,” Reed says.

Anthropologist Victoria Grant says, “people who live in high speed high energy materialistic and competitive modern society are under tons of pressure. One of the evidences is that things like anxiety and loneliness are sometimes absent in indigenous society. Civilization is quite literally making people sick.”

There was an article in San Francisco Weekly earlier this year about a young man who committed suicide in public. There are tons of twitter feeds posted online while the man was on the ledge. But nobody tried to connect with him at the site to convince him to stop. Instead some vulgar people in the crowd yelled at him, “jump!” “We are in a ‘connected age,’ but we have to put our eyes away from the digital screen and learn how to slowly build a real communities where people can feel safe, home and connected,” Grant says.

February 8, 2013

Neighbors Do Perfect 180° Flip With Their Opinion About A Band After The Band Became Famous

February 8th, 2013 -San Diego

Neighbors completely changed their opinions after San Diego based psychedelic band JOY got famous. Neighbors used to call police on the band all the time when the band was practicing. “It was just so loud when the band was playing music and I couldn’t watch FOX news in a quiet room. I don’t give a damn about those crazy musician kids making music. I just wanted to watch TV in a quiet environment, and I know I am entitled to watch TV because I am so special and have a right to watch TV,” Jayson Major says in 2011. Now Mr. Major says, “I love those guys. Their music is great, reminds me of Jimi Hendrix.”

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An expert say “This is a terrifying thing. This proves that human beings are so natural at changing their opinions based on someone’s fame or power. There is no consistency or ideology or thought process that makes their opinions. Their intelligence is so damned down by mainstream media throughout their lives, now they have no brains or capability to think on their own. They are not capable of understanding what they are seeing right in front of their eyes. “They instinctively know it is safe to agree with the majority,” she says.

Cultural psychologist Paul Mayson says, “American people who are raised in heavy individualistic culture are sometimes a pain in the ass because their opinions are so mediocre and lacking in thought but they feel compelled to scream their opinions to the world just to prove that they have a damn opinion.” When people think they are “extra special”, it makes it harder for them to realize that they are contradicting themselves. “Oh yeah, JOY shreds so hard. They are legit,” Mayson says.

JOY, originally started with Zack Oakley (guitar and vocal) , Trevor Mast (bass) and Taylor Charter (drums) finished their first album last year. Now the band has a new bassist, Justin Hulson, and a drummer, Paul Marrone. “This band will keep evolving no matter how much culturally ignorant and boring their neighbors are. They are unstoppable.” a culture writer from New York Times says. Oakley also plays in a band Shaking Pyramid with Mike Eginton, a bassist from Earthless, and Paul Marrone. Currently Paul Marrone is on European tour with Radio Moscow.

January 30, 2013

Local Venue The Void Smells Amazing The Morning After Nite Ritual’s Performance

January 29th, 2013 -Normal Heights, San Diego

Alex Kacha, the new owner of a live music venue The Void, formerly known as Bar Eleven, noticed the venue had an extremely refreshing and delightful scent the morning after Nite Ritual, a local electric music act, performed at the venue.

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Nite Ritual used props for the performance such as candles, a red wine glass, a board with symbols and sage burning that enhanced his layered dark electric sound. A local witch said the refreshing scent was from the sage that Nite Ritual burned before his performance. A vampire said he didn’t like it.

Other acts from last night were Polyphase (Brian Ellis), Professor Paradox and the Medicine Machine and Shamu Soul (Jamaal Clarke). This unique line-up brought a wide variety audience such as break dancers, elderly people, UCSD students, functional alcoholics, wizards, dog owners and musicians.

Lately San Diego musicians are taking the visual part of the show more into account. Cathedral X has done a variety of visual performances that involved dancers, artistic props, costumes and lights to the point that their shows were almost like experimental abstract conceptual theatrical pieces. Eagles Nest Productions have been providing live video projections to many musical acts. Operation Mindblow has been providing psychedelic visuals of flowing colors for deserving local bands such as JOY and Dahga Bloom.

Under the new ownership, the Void is starting fresh with a brand-new name and a great scent of sage. If you go to the Void tonight to see Primitive Noyes, Purple // Image (Alex Gray from Sun Araw), Mystery Cave, Asha, Bill Wesley, 100 LBS of Smoke, you will notice the freshness brought by Nite Ritual all around the venue. The show tonight (1/29/13) is FREE. The Void is located at 3519 El Cajon Blvd, San Diego.